20. solitude

or it's less appealing cousin loneliness?

Hi there! It’s been a tough journey trying to get back to writing regularly. This week, I am sending you this note from Copenhagen.

I am doing a solo workation week from this city that I fell in love with earlier this year. But after one day – a majority of which I spent across the border in Malmö – I am going to come out and say it, living alone is a little overrated.

Ever since I stopped living on my own four years ago, I have been idealising the state of being alone. And not without a reason. I enjoy my solitude.

I love cooking by myself in the kitchen while listening to music or an audiobook. I often spend hours in the bedroom, lost between the pages of a novel I couldn’t bring myself to put down. I spend most of my days alone, working by myself from home, punctuated by Google Meet calls with colleagues and Whatsapp calls with my mum.

I often go on long walks alone without any purpose. Or I take myself out on a little indulgence date – getting iced coffee at our neighbourhood café, buying flowers for the house, picking out a book at the bookstore or browsing through the art supplies store. I often do these on a weekday – carefully carving out time during the lunch hour.

These little moments of solitude are so soothing to the soul. But today, I did almost all of what I generally do when I am at home in Hamburg minus any meaningful interaction. I barely had a conversation throughout the day besides the casual exchange of pleasantries with café owners and passersby. By around 3 pm, I wanted to pack my bags and head back to Hamburg. I suddenly felt so lonely.

I missed popping into the living room and seeing Alex busy with his video game, sharing a laugh over something quite lame or simply just acknowledging each other’s presence. I craved the company of my friends. I wished I could meet Leyla somewhere in the city and lose ourselves in conversation about art or Golden Retrievers. I wanted to bump into someone I knew at the train station. Or something even simpler like popping into a neighbour’s home to collect my parcel and having an awkward chat about nothing at all.

What I realised after being on my own for a single day was quite interesting.

Solitude is only pleasurable when it precedes or is followed by the company of others. Lacking that context, solitude is merely loneliness where you are left with feeling a certain emptiness and craving for the very company you tried to escape.

On my train back from Malmö to Copenhagen, I messaged the few people from GGI who had reached out to me to go for a coffee or a stroll.

I needed to contextualise the solitude to take advantage of it, after all.

Until next time (hopefully) finding new friends in the city,

Sanj 🫨

[PS: A couple of friends and I are doing some cool things at watermelon art fair. Give our Instagram a follow if you haven’t already!]