22. on falling asleep
When Alex and I started dating, conditioned by years of Bollywood and literature, I tried hard for us to merge into one harmonious entity. My first (and longest) relationship was anything but ideal and the string of short-term, often toxic flings that followed were far from the kind where I wanted our bodies and minds to fuse to create this homogenous, happy-in-love thing. But with Alex, it seemed like the next, most natural thing to do.
When we moved in together, we tried hard to find the commonalities in our personalities and shape our relationship around them. There were some mutual areas of interest, but they were too few to shape us into this homogenous thing that all of my childhood romantic education had taught me about. We were very different people and no matter how hard we tried, this ‘thing’ was just not happening.
But after trying for two years to turn Alex and me into this single-souled creature, I took a little step back. There was no common ground. And the core of the problem was how we slept together.
You see, he sleeps soundly and often is very warm. I always need a blanket – no matter the month – and the slightest noise wakes me up. He can fall asleep with the lights on. I need the darkness of hell to sleep moderately well. I move like I am a world ballet champion and he snores like he was the predecessor of a modern-day Indian elephant.
You put these two people in the same room – let alone the same bed – you know it’s gonna be a disaster.
So, for months, after we both woke up sleep-deprived, groggy, and annoyed from having to conform to society’s diktat of how couples should sleep, we did one thing. Fight.
A sleep-starved mind is an angry, dissatisfied mind and so, every dirty dish, wet towel, unfolded laundry, and unorganised desk sparked a World War which made us doubt our very foundation and love.
So, what did we do?
The first time I told a friend about how we reached our 'happy place', I was embarrassed and scandalised. How could I tell her that my partner and I have decided to sleep in separate rooms? I feared judgement and pity.
Having lived alone in her solo apartment for a little over a year, she knew the value of space. There was nothing for me to fear.
So, she laughed out loud, instead and said, ‘Oh like a Royal couple?’
Indeed, like a royal couple. Alex sleeps on his queen-sized sofa bed and I sleep equally royally on my queen-sized bed-bed. He snores with gay abandon and I perform my sleep ballet without the fear of kicking him in the guts. He falls asleep to the low-volume commentary of vintage wrestling videos on YouTube and I fall asleep to the low hum of my stand fan. We both sleep like starfish, arms spread out, taking in the joy of having ample personal space.
Every. Single. Night.
There’s still the cuddles and the love the passion and the excitement – minus the expectations and the judgement. And it’s our common (royal) ground.
Until next time, give sleeping like a starfish all alone in your bed a shot,
Sanj 🫨
I love that you're talking about this! We've considered it too, but now we've gotten used to each other's movements. I've become more comfortable with how often he moves in his sleep and living neither of us snores too much unless we're sick! We did invest in a better mattress though haha
we have been sleeping in separate rooms for a few years aha its great =) and should be normalised!!